and how i loved every streetlight

Lately, I have been finding weird documentaries on netflix, I just finished watching one about "breasts and the role they play in society and popular culture". It was not pretty but boobs still rule. Roman Holiday is coming in the mail next! sexaay.

also, Ani fucking Difranco is coming here again in February!!! and by "here" I actually mean here, as in, a half hour away! sometimes I am very fortunate. I don't mind going by myself much but it would be better to have someone there with me so I don't have to be giddy alone.

I have this huge speech to do by next week, I have some of it done but I don't know what I'll say. not enjoying it. I also picked sort of a stupid topic.

As for good things, I am getting a new ipod! Mine left me a month ago without an explanation. I'm taking the breakup hard (nights are lonely, mornings empty, etc) but I think I'm ready to move on. I just don't know what color to get.

ps. I'm late, but happy Hanukkah!!! My fave candle is lit.

There was one of those "writer's block" things that asked if society puts too much pressure on marriage and kids, and I wanted to answer cos I like this topic but forgot. So I will now and the answer is yes, very much. There are lots of people who have gone their whole lives without loving anybody or having kids and they are perfectly fine, so I probably will be, too. I'm not emo or anything but I don't think everybody can be lucky enough to find someone who loves them equally as much as they love that person. And then the relationship usually ends, so there's no point in even beginning one. I'm not really charming and most people my age have already dated someone or at least came close, so I'm pretty positive I will live alone. hopefully it won't be bad. I'll tell you about it.

also, Drexel rejected me within days of receiving my application. very nice. I was hoping maybe I'd get in since they kept mailing me and gave me the "VIP application", but nooo, "we are unable to offer you admission at this time". Can you believe that! I am totally probably the most awesome person that applied. my grades suck but I was hoping the awesomeness would exude from my photo or something, ha. If they met me, they might have accepted me but sadly, I am a pretty lame piece of paper. one more to go and it is still "pending".

It's snowed a few times in the last week, I love it lots and is the reason why I'd never like living in the south.

Dear LiveJournal,

The menstrual cycle is slowly killing me. See you in the next world.

love forever,
me.

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that I become less intelligent or articulate as I age. During my freshman year of high school I had an actual journal (you know, those ancient things that you write in with a pencil) but I don't like reading it much. The next year I had a livejournal full of half written fiction stories, that is what I was into then. I finished a few but that sort of writing takes a lot of effort, you know, it's the hardest. I've never liked or written any poetry. e.e. cummings was the only good one I found so far.

But I don't like becoming less smart, I don't know if it actually happens or I am imagining it.

I have nothing interesting to say so I'll just do this again. (I promise this is the only time I've done one of these in the past three years. :p)

1. Name, please.
I always tried to keep this journal anonymous so I can talk about whoever/whatever I want. I'm a bigmouth so it didn't work. however, I'm still going to keep the last shred of mystery I still have, even though the only people
that read this already know it. but still, no. ;)

2. Approximate Age?
eighteen.

3. Are you happy in your life?
no.

4. Do you feel like anything is missing? If so, what do you want?
life hasn't really started yet.

5. Do you plan on being a musician/artist/writer?
journalist, yo. except I can't review music for shit and I'd be too nervous to talk to musicians,
so I'm interviewing politicians instead.

6. Do you think you are artistic?
gooo right brain.

7. Have you ever tried hard drugs?
no.

8. If so, have they changed your life?
oh, yes.

9. What age would you like to die?
201.

10. Would you let your kids smoke weed?
I don't have them! and if I did, it's their life to ruin their own way.

11. Are you an angry person?
inwardly, though I have not yet decided if this is for substantial reasons or I'm just bitchy.

12. Do you laugh a lot, but don’t really mean it?
I laugh when people are in awkward situations and I feel bad for them and so I try to make it
a little less awkward. it doesn't work.

13. Do you like to think you are popular?
hahaha, no thx.

14. Describe your most terrifying dream.
I was five and got lost in a department store, then took the elevator only to walk
in on a bunch of doctors operating on people. I said I'd never sleep again but I lied.

15. What band would you die to see live?
The Smiths in 1986. <3

16. How would you like to die?
some way really epic and memorable.

17. What’s your opinion on self-mutilation?
I do not understand.

18. Do you believe in capitalism?
it exists whether I believe in it or not.

19. Communism?
socialism is better.

20. Libertarianism?
what ev.

21. Would you rather be an anarchist or a socialite?
dear anarchists,
it will never happen. get over it.
love forever,
me

22. Freedom of speech or controlled society?
the first one.

23. Obama or Bush?
that isn't even a question. (Obama)

24. Would you consider yourself intelligent?
I've met people stupider than me but others are way smarter.

25. When was the last time you cried?
I forget. do you remember?

26. When was the last time you laughed?
Earlier today. this little kid was acting like an old man and it was charming.

27. Who is your last text from?
Taylor.

28. What did it say?
jah

29. Ever had your ass kicked?
someday!

30. What’s your middle name?
nope!

31. Single or taken?
single for ever

32. If taken, do you love this person?
very much so.

33. If single, what are you looking for in someone?
I don't really care anymore.

34. Sex or love?
stupid.

35. Who is your best friend?
you.

36. Why is this person your best friend?
I love you.

37. Are you moody?
mmhmm.

38. Are you depressed?
I am alright.

39. What do you think of abortion?
whatever blows your skirt up.

40. Are you in a good mood today?
It was good earlier but I now I'm bored. halpz.

41. If not, why are you not?
I already told you.

42. Are you afraid of the swine flu?
no, c'mere.

43. Are you afraid to be yourself?
whole self, yes.

44. What would you label yourself?
100% juice

45. Do you live with your parents?
I dew.

46. How many siblings do you have?
two.

47. Do you wear skinny jeans?
nah.

48. Are you emo?
emo kids died in 2005.

49. Are you aware that all emo kids look exactly the same?
they're all dead.

50.Are you a hater?
hale yeah

51. Are you anti-rasict?
anti racist, yes. rasict, I have to think about it.

52. Explain your personality in 3 words.
I don't exist.
haaaaa, that was good.

53. What do you wish your name was?
I'm good.

54. How old do you want to be when you get married?
hi, not happening.

55. What do you want to name your kids?
I don't think you can rename your adopted kid.

56. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
yours.

57. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
this morning. BECAUSE YOUR SUPPOSED TO TWICE A DAY, RAWIN.

58. What are you wearing right now?
you.

59. Say something random.
random.

60. What do you wear to bed?
you.

61. What color is your underwear?
I don't remember. they're awesome, though.

62. Am I getting too personal?
nothing personal.

63. What’s your view on nihilism?
whatever blows your skirt up.

64. Pacifism?
I'm a pacifist and all but I want to see a good fight. they're always broken up as
soon as I arrive.

65. Do you think the drug culture is misunderstood?
there's nothing to misunderstand.

66. Are you a fan of Hunter S Thompson?
he killed himself on my birthday, y'know.
but yeah, any man into psychedelic drugs and extreme reporting is probably pretty good.

67. Do you read literature?
I should more often.

68. Do you love horror movies?
overrated.

69. What’s your favourite one?
the one you made in your backyard.

70. Do you like comedies?
they make me chuckle.

71. Are you a smoker?
no.

72. Do you smoke cigars/cigarillos?
cigarillos are funny. and, no.

73. Do you have anger problems?
only if you make me angry first.

74. Do you know someone who has a mental illness?
mmhmm.

75. Have you had someone close to you die of cancer?
fortunately, no.

76. What do you want to be next Halloween?
I don't care about Halloween.
there, I said it.

77. What grade are you in?
14th.

78. When do you graduate?
this year. thank gawd.

79. Do you talk to yourself?
you know you do, too.

80. What color are your toenails?
what are toenails?

81. Has anyone ever told you you have a nice smile?
I don't believe in smiling.

82. Ever broken a bone?
no, come here and break one for me.

83. Got a black eye?
no, I'm good.

84. Nose bleed?
obviously.

85. Ever been so mad you cried?
I am a human.

86. What’s your favourite quote?
"quote".

88. Are you listening to anything right now?
I am hearing the "top 25 most played" on iTunes. apparently I really
like New Order.

89. What are you addicted to?
caffeine and sleep.

90. Do you like silver hair?
o course.

91. Would you ever fight a famous boxer?
why?

92. Could you take on kimbo slice?
I'll show you a kimbo slice.

93.Can you even fist fight?
don't be mean about it.

94. Do you work out?
I am far too lazy to do that sort of thing.

95. Are you in good physical condition?
I'm not obese and I'm not anorexic. I'm good.

96. Do you get creeped out by puppets?
should I be?

97. If you could be any celebrity for one day, who would you be?
I want to be Regina Spektor. or Morrissey so I can look fab.

98. Do you have any phobias?
I hate chips so much, omfg.

99. Ever been mauled by a wild animal?
my life story.

100. Do you think you could be a Suicide Girl?
I don't post nude MySpace photos.

101. What about a playboy bunni?
lawl at bunni.

102. Are you an insomniac?
can you be tired and an insomniac at the same time? then, yes.

103. Do you take birth control?
no, do you?

104. Are these questions pointless?
you are pointless.

105. Favourite color?
red and pink. I am a valentine.

106. Pce out!
don't talk to me anymore.

/the end.

The other day I had the weirdest dream ever that I had an abortion! It was extremely detailed, I was apparently going to a city near here for orthodontic surgery (? haha) and found that I was pregnant two days before. I had no idea who the father was or when/how it happened. So since pregnancy is way more important than mouth surgery, I decided to have the abortion that day instead. So after the abortion was finished, I woke up and it didn't really hurt, I assumed it would become really painful in a few hours. I was then deciding who I should tell and debating whether or not I would go to hell if it exists, hah. I've always been extremely pro-choice but I still think I'd feel bad if I had one.

Then the next night I had a pregnancy dream again! This time I was just moping around town, feeling bad for myself. I'm apprehensive, I read before that pregnancy dreams = death of someone you know. So I am hoping this is untrue. Regardless, wtf. I don't want to conceive kids.

firstly, happy turkey day! I'm not a big Thanksgiving fan.

So last week I visited Drexel (a university near Temple in Philly) and unfortunately, I really liked it a lot. It's within walking distance of Center City which is perfect and the dorms were pretty big. I've read a lot about it though and there are a lot of mixed reviews - some of which are extremely negative. also, Temple's journalism program is way better and sounds much more fun. I'd really like it if Temple could switch campuses, then it would be perfect. But I dunno what I'm gonna do if Drexel accepts me and Temple doesn't. do I go to the community college then? we will see. I got my SAT scores back from when I retook them earlier this month and they were 100 points better, so I am glad. though the math one still sucked really hard and will probably ruin my chances of getting in anywhere, haha. whatever. I haven't even sent my scores to any place yet, I asked how to but they didn't reply yet. so I haven't even been 'reviewed' yet! lame.

On Monday I went to Panera with Allison, I like her very much. (she's the new advisor for the newspaper). we began talking when I realized we were both obsessively love Morrissey. she studied in Manchester when she was in college to "be near him", haha. this is a logic I can get behind. we had good lattes.

I watched Splendor in the Grass earlier and it was good. that Warren Beatty dude was pretty hot.

I don't know what to do.

I feel badly for making you listen to my complaints, but it is not good to keep things to yourself.

I didn't go to school today (no government takeover day, I am not going to sewer plant, ha.) but I am sick, too. I've been tired and sleeping way more than one should lately. I have these anti-depressants and they are switched around a lot since I haven't found one or a combination of two that works well yet. but I take two right now and one was taken away last week to see how it would work, so it is apparently not going very well, so I have to use it again. but that isn't the point. I don't like that medications dictate how I am feeling, like I know it's 'balancing brain chemicals' or whatever, but I am affected by it. I don't like feeling awful for a week at a time. and it doesn't make any difference to cry (which is the worst), or to tell people about it, because since I can't control anything, doing those things only makes it worse. I'm not naturally profoundly depressed or anything, I think I would be a lot better if I was just kept on real strong medication instead of put on a few different ones to 'experiment' with which ones work and which ones don't. I feel bad about bothering people.

also, now that I am in my senior year, I would like to say that I am pretty disappointed in high school. It wasn't as dramatic or fun as movies make it out to be. but I've heard that unless someone is extremely "popular", they probably did dislike it. It wasn't awful but these four years were (hopefully) not "the best ever", ha. But I'm scared that four years later I'll be saying the same thing about college. and then about everything else.

sorry for being extremely unpleasant. I'll be back when I'm done.